I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to write this post. I think I have been afraid of reliving this past year. It has been a painful year and writing it all out, while therapeutic, is also really hard. I really wish I had been updating my blog over the past year so I could look back on my emotions and watch the wave. The past year really felt like riding a giant ocean wave. Like a floating lotus flower, one can't fight the turbulent waters, but rather, one must hold on and ride the waves and keep ones' head towards the sun. There were really good days, and really dark days. I was happy, yet depressed. I saw the very best in humanity, and the very worst. I was so sad, and yet, was full of so much hope. The past year was full of loneliness and anxiety. For the first time in a long time, the entire world felt this collective pain. In a way, it was very beautiful knowing almost every human around the globe could relate to one another's pain.
One year ago this week I was in California. Life felt pretty normal. We went to an amusement park (without masks). We ate at crowded buffets. We visited with elderly family and didn't think twice about it. We didn't have to think or worry above just living life. News headlines shocked the world - "New coronavirus spreading!" "People dying!!" "Virus rapidly spreading in China!" "First case discovered in USA." It sounded scary, but didn't seem like it would really concern us. However, upon returning to Utah, the outbreak started getting worse. Within three weeks the United States basically shut down. I remember panicking - not over the virus, but over the schools shutting down. Little did we know, this was only the start. Life as we knew it would be gone, possible forever, if not for a very long time.
Schools, businesses, entertainment venues, restaurants, amusements parks, national parks, gyms, libraries, and parks started shutting down. Never before had I experienced anything of this magnitude. Even my almost ninety year old grandma who lived through wars and many different viral outbreaks said she never experienced anything like this. The government started mandating masks to be worn and society became divided. Wearing masks became political - Republicans and Democrats had very different opinions on how to slow the spread of Coivd. Social media was so thick with tension and drama. Family and friends starting fighting one another over differing beliefs. It was heartbreaking. Death counts soared and the news couldn't keep up with the constant flow of new, scary symptoms. People started hoarding toilet paper, water, and sanitation wipes. Store shelves were emptying at such a fast pace that many people started panic buying. Stay at home orders were mandated and tourist destinations became ghost towns. After the initial two weeks off from school (we were told schools would only be closed for two weeks), it was obvious covid had become out of control. Most schools shut down for the rest of the school year and attempted to send home packets for kids to complete. Our school switched to online learning. It was such a new concept for most schools, and the closures happened so quickly many schools were in a state of chaos. Thankfully, Channing Hall had been preparing and switched over to e-leraning quickly. However, e-learning was hard. It was stressful and overwhelming trying to quickly learn a new way of educating our children at home while also dealing with the stresses of living through a pandemic. Some teachers were doing great while other's struggled. Too much work was assigned to one of my children while not enough was assigned to another. We all hated it. Not only was school stressful, but I was also mourning the loss of Blake's last year in Kindergarten. Sports were canceled. School and end of year parties were canceled. Wesley's cub-scout graduation was canceled. Blake's Kindergarten graduation was canceled. My boys were ok - kids are very resilient. I, however, was a mess. On the outside I kept a pretty good composure for my kids, but inside I was really struggling. Life as I knew it was completely gone. People were afraid of each other. Morgues were over flowing with dead bodies. No one knew how to control the virus. Scientists and politicians were fighting. President Trump wanted to act like nothing was happening. The world seemed to be falling apart. I felt like life was out of control. The unknown was very scary.
Eventually a few months passed and life started to feel more "normal." In April when I first wore a mask (before it was mandated), I felt so self-conscience. I felt ugly and weird. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Now, almost a year later, masks are just a part of life. I've grown quite fond of them, and I might have a hard time giving them up if covid ever goes away (I can't imagine that ever happening). There are many aspects of this new life that I quite enjoy. We no longer get random visits from home/visiting teachers or neighbors (other that a quick treat left on the door). The introvert in me hopes this will continue indefinitely. Also, my boys have become each other's best friends. Their bond has become so strong, and that has been one of the biggest blessings to come from our time together.
My anxiety has been really high over the past year. I have felt so out of control. While explaining my concerns to my friend Nessa she reminded me to focus on the things that I CAN control. I didn't have any control over the covid situation. I can't control people's reactions. I can't control when businesses reopen. I can't control the political climate. However, I can control (to an extent) my family's safety. I can control my reactions. I can't control elearning (it was a hot mess), but I can choose to homeschool and control our time better. I will write more about my journey to homeschool in a later post, but it has been a wonderful decision.
Over the next few months I am going to try to catch up on this blog from the past year. I haven't had the desire or energy to update this blog, but I know how important it is.
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