Dreaming of the future...

As my due date approaches,  I am finding myself thinking a lot about the past, and the future.  Many memories of when my kids were infants are flooding my mind, as well as hopes and dreams about the future of this baby.  The last month of pregnancy normally feels like the longest, but so far life is moving extremely fast.  So much to do, so much to appreciate, and so many things to accomplish in such a short time. I am really trying my best to cherish and relish each moment of this pregnancy.  Everything is going so well, and I am so very grateful for this sweet spirit growing inside, just waiting to join our family.  It is hard to describe my feelings of happiness and gratitude for this experience and for this new baby.  None of this has seemed real, but it is starting to hit home that he is coming, and that he is coming soon!  I recently went on the hospital's labor and delivery tour since I will be delivering in Ontario this time instead of Fontana.  Walking into the delivery room really hit me hard. Emotions started to flood my mind.  That room (or one like it) is where I am going to meet my baby.  Birth is one of the hardest, scariest, most painful, most amazing, rewarding, spiritual, eye opening, life changing, emotional, and beautiful events a person will ever experience.  It is truly a day that is unlike any other day in one's entire life.  It is the time a woman feels closest to Heaven, and feels most connected with life, and the earth, and past women than ever before.  It makes one feel alive, and vulnerable, and amazed at the love one can feel for another person.  It makes one realize there is more to this life than meets the eye.  That we are capable of tapping into a power greater than ourselves, and that we are able to perform miracles on earth.  It is a day in which we literally give another their life, and commit ourselves to loving them and taking care of them forever.  It is the day we meet the fruit of all our labors, and get to experience happiness like never before.  It is the day women discover they are stronger than they ever imagined.  It can also be a day of the greatest sadness and heartache imaginable if something goes wrong like I experienced with Wesley.  However, that trial made me stronger and more able to appreciate the beauty and vulnerability of life, and how great the blessings of a healthy baby are.  I can't wait for my new birth experience,  and I hope to be in tune to all the feelings and emotions that will greet me.   As tired,  sore, and exhausted I will be, it will also be one of the most special days I will ever experience, and I can't wait.  Ok, maybe I can wait a little longer :-)   

 Every night I get to spend time alone with baby boy; feeling his kicks, 'hugging' my tummy, and watching my stomach move up and down and all over.  He is pretty quiet during the day, but after the kids are in bed he becomes really active.  It is kind of my time to just enjoy him, and bond with him.  Its like he knows when I finally get a chance to rest, and he wants to spend his time with Mommy now. He is active until bed, and then he is pretty nice and quiet all through the night for me.   I often wonder what he will be like, and look like.  I try to imagine what it will be like with three kids, and how different each one will be.  I get scared thinking of all the messes that will occur.  I cannot keep up with the cleaning as it is right now.  When we were first married and moved into our first apartment, I loved cleaning.  I would clean once, and it would stay that way for weeks - even months!  We didn't even own a vacuum for a while, and really didn't need one!  Now, I spend hours cleaning, and turn around to a room messier than before.  If two boys can produce a tornado of destruction, what will three produce?!  Or, the fighting.  My two fight over everything - I can't imagine the increased volume level with a third.   Lastly, the sleep.  Wesley is an amazing sleeper.  Chase - he has always been a little harder in that area.  How will I deal with two kids who are not sleeping very well?  Chase lost his paci a week ago.  I have been trying to wean him off that thing for months.  Well, he finally lost it, and I figured that was the only way to get him off that thing.  He only uses it to sleep anyways.  He was amazing with his paci and blanket.  He would put himself down for naps all by himself as long as he had his two comfort items.  He was becoming a great night sleeper too.  Now, without the paci, sleep time is miserable.  Nap time this week only happens now if I stay in his room until he falls asleep.  I can do that now, but I can't keep that up for much longer. He sleeps ok at night without it, but recently he came down with a cold, and the last few nights he has woken up crying all through the night.  I finally caved and bought a pacifier, more for me than him.  Just for nights when I really need my sleep (I am already not getting a lot of sleep as it is).  Plus, I knew he would need it for comfort when the baby comes.  I didn't want to disrupt his routine too much.  Well, tonight I tried finding the one paci I bought for him just this afternoon, and he told me he threw it away.  *sigh* Are you kidding me?  I guess he is trying to tell me he doesn't need it.  This whole situation is really frustrating at this moment in time, but a wise friend told me that in the long run, this really is not a big deal at all.  Five years from now, heck, maybe even 6 months from now, I won't even think about this whole ordeal, and may not even remember it.  There will be a lot more important things to focus on besides weaning my two year old from his pacifier.   My point is that, with kids, phases come and go.  Kids are hard one day, and angels the next.  Moms find ways to deal, and life moves on.  Being a stay at home mom means my kids are really my entire life right now.  Taking care of them is almost all I do, so small little things seem a lot bigger than they are.  I know my next challenge will be when Wesley starts school and I will have to drag Chase and a new baby with us each day to drop him off and pick him up.  It will be a trial, but like everything else, we will manage and figure a way out.   I think we will adjust just fine to three kids, and there will be ups and downs of course.  It won't always be easy, but we will do just fine, and I know it will be eternally rewarding. 

 I can't wait to have three sweet boys - craziness and all.  I can't wait to see Wesley face as he meets his new baby brother for the first time.  Chase and Wesley are constantly kissing my tummy, and hugging the baby.  I love that Wesley understands, and is excited to met him.  I love how sweet they are, and I am so excited to give them a new baby brother.  I can't wait to smell my little guy, and cuddle with him all day (and even night).  I am even looking forward to nursing, and the bonding that comes with that.  I can't wait to have another little person to love, and squish, and take pictures of!  :-)