Changes

My mind has been racing these last few days.  In a matter of hours, I go between feeling like throwing up, to feeling like celebrating.  Crying, and then smiling .  Utter sadness, and complete happiness.  It is hard when such a big change is coming, and yet it is not something I would have normally chosen for myself.  I know it is what is best, but change is hard.  This is something that makes me so scared, and panicked, and I just can't wrap my mind around everything.  Jason has been wanting to get a promotion at work for a while, and he recently applied to a few.  We just found out that he did in fact get a promotion.....but it is in Salt Lake City.  Now, lots of people move around.  Lots of people move out of state, and it isn't a big deal to them.  However, this is a GIANT deal to me.  It makes me hyperventilate and I often feel like there is a giant weight pressing on my chest and I can't breath.  I wake up thinking, and hoping this is all a dream.   Jason has been wanting a promotion for a long time.  It seems every six months to a year new openings come out all over the country.  We were hoping to get a promotion in Southern California, but that didn't happen.   I hoped and prayed that he would get the location and promotion that would be best for our family.  It is hard, because in my heart I feel that this move will be so, so good for our family.  I know we will grow, and become stronger.  The times in my life that I have grown the most, have also been during the hardest trials.  However, the thought of leaving my home, my family - my whole life, is one of the scariest things I have done. Having to transfer Wesley to a new school is a little sad, and get Chase started with a new speech program.  We will have to find a new piano teacher ( I LOVE Sis. Smith right now), new dentist, new doctors, new ward (for our church), and so on.  I'm even worried about things like having to use up my frozen stash of breast milk before we move. (hey - it takes a lot of work to pump all that extra milk!) If I think about all the stuff that will change, I start to panic.  When I think about all the ways we will grow and be blessed with this experience, I start to breath a little easier.  Luckily, Jason's work will pack us, move us, and unpack us so it will make things a little better (except I'll be worried about my stuff until it is safe and sound in our new house). We are only planning on staying for a few years, and we want to come back to Southern California. I am planning on coming down to visit as much as I can, and I know my family will come up.  It will be ok, and I know this is an amazing, and wonderful opportunity -  but, it is still hard.  It is funny how this has already had  a major impact on me, and we haven't even left yet.  My home is suddenly so much more beautiful to me.  The very things that bothered me last week, are suddenly treasures.  I look around, and I see the stains on the carpet.  I have always HATED those stains.  We put new carpet in when we moved in, but with three boys - the carpet got dirty very quickly. I never liked our carpet.  However,  now, I think of my babies who took their first steps on that carpet.  This is the carpet where we built train tracks, counted rocks, and  watched Sesame Street each morning.  That is the carpet that I stood on as I rocked my babies to sleep.  This is the carpet that my boys have opened all their birthday and Christmas gifts on.  Suddenly, this stained, nasty looking carpet doesn't look so bad anymore.  I always complained about how small my house was, and how all our toys seem to explode every day.  Now, all I see are all the memories we have shared in this house.  All the goodies we have baked in my "out of date" kitchen.  All the baths (and giggles) given in my "not very pretty" bathrooms.  The orange tree that used to shed a million oranges all over my yard, is going to be missed!  I loved going out and picking oranges with my boys, and then juicing them on my counter.  I will miss that.  I look around, and my house might not be the most gorgeous house to other people's standards, but it is gorgeous to me.  All the light that shines in makes me so happy. It is such a bright house. I will be sad to leave the cute tree mural my best friend and I painted in the boy's room.  The vaulted ceilings,  the funny ledges all over, and the amazing cul-de-sac and neighborhood.  I LOVE going on walks to the lake, or down to the grassy ravine at the end of our block.  I love that it is only a 5 minute walk to our church.  This was the first home we ever bought.  I was 24, Jason was 26.  It was MY home.  It has been a good home...a perfect home to start our family, and to have spent the last five and a half years in with my boys.  I will miss it.  However, even if we were not moving to Utah, we are outgrowing it fast.  We need a new house, and I know we would have been moving sooner rather than later anyways.  We can make lots of new memories in a new house.  It is exciting to think we will be getting a bigger home where we can have a separate toy area besides our living room.  I get so stressed with messes, and maybe a larger home will help reduce some of that stress.  I am excited for a more updated kitchen and bathrooms.  More storage, and more room for family. Bigger back yard, and lots of room for the boys to play.  I am so excited for new adventures.  I am excited to grow as a family, and to learn to rely on each other and the church more.  I KNOW this will be a wonderful experience for my family.  I just have to have faith to get me though this.  I know when we do move back down, we will be in a much better position to get a nice house that we will be able to call home for a long time.  Change is just scary.  I have never had to trust the Lord so much, and put all my faith in him as much as I have to do right now.  I can't wait to post about this move a year or two from now to compare my feelings about this experience after receiving blessings from going on this scary journey.  Lots of exciting new adventures await...