This will probably be a long post. It is hard to write down my feelings about an experience as spiritual, life changing, and amazing as a birth story. I don't think there are words in the English language to describe the feelings of my heart, but I will certainly try.
As I described in my last post, I had been having contractions since Friday morning (like in the wee am hours). They came almost continuously around the clock, slowing only slightly each night until Monday. I was soo frustrated not knowing what was happening. My gut was telling me that he was coming soon, but as I started day four of contractions, I started doubting my maternal feelings. I was so scared that I was going to continue having them for days, or for another week until they induced me. I really, really wanted to have an all natural labor like with Chase. I didn't want to be induced, and I didn't want any drugs or medication. I know if I was induced, I would have needed the epidural. There is nothing wrong with that (I needed one with Wesley), and it can help tremendously. I just know that in a normal situation, there are some risks involved, and that it is far better for my body and for the baby to not get one. Recovery is faster, and I think the experience is a little richer. Jason and my Dad gave me a blessing on Friday night when I first thought I was in labor. Jason blessed me that I would get the birth experience I wanted, and to trust my body and know that it knew what it was doing. It was a nice blessing, but at the time it wasn't what I was hoping for - I thought he was going to bless me to have the baby fast and safe, or something along those lines. However, now I know why I received the blessing I did. If I had rushed to the hospital because I was having contractions for days, even though they were far apart, or because I felt moist and thought my water broke (which now I believe it may have been slowly leaking), then they probably would have admitted me. I probably would have been dilated enough to stay, but since it took me so long for my body to begin active labor, they would have induced me to speed things up. I would have been hooked up to tons of monitors, IV's, and stuck in bed receiving pain meds, and it would have not been the birth I wanted. It was hard to be patient and to just let my body do what it was doing. However, in the end, I got the best reward - a healthy beautiful baby and the labor I hoped and prayed for.
So, to continue from my last post, I continued having contractions at 10 minutes apart all day Monday. Jason decided to take the whole week off since he didn't have any real assignments until the middle of March when he has to go back to work (so he gets to be at home for 5 weeks!) That meant he would be here if the baby came, and if not, he at least had a week off before being induced to help around the house. However, nothing was really changing, and I was tired of timing the contractions. Monday night came, and the contractions started getting stronger. I am never good at judging how bad contractions are because I always compared them to the induced ones I got with Wesley which felt like death. Anything less than that seems like a mere annoyance. So, I was trying not to use how strong they were as a judge on when to go to the doctor's, but rather how far apart they were. They were still 10 minutes apart all night, but they were strong. I would fall asleep and they would wake me up. I would breath through them and moan a little until they were over, and fall back asleep for 10 more minutes. This continued all night. On Tuesday Morning I woke up around 6:30 and I was more wet and in a lot of pain. I figured it was finally time to go to the hospital (even though I was still doubting myself). I tried to get dressed and do my hair, but the contractions were getting worse. I woke Jason up and told him I think we needed to go to the hospital. I tried to tell him we didn't have to rush and that he could take a shower. I called my mom and woke her up and asked her to come get the boys. I could hardly talk on the phone because I was having a contraction and they were getting intense. Things were happening fast. All of the sudden it felt like I only had a minute between contractions. I went and sat on the front couch and waited. I was in pure misery. They were extremely painful and intense. Jason was trying to get the boys food before my mom came, but he was really nervous about how much pain I was experiencing. He was close to just turning on the tv for the boys and racing to the hospital even before my mom got there. Luckily my mom got there fast, around 8 am maybe, and as soon as she came I wobbled to the car, unable to even look at or great her. Luckily the hospital is only a few exits away from our home. Jason rushed there as fast as he legally could. As we drove I could tell the pain was worse, and I could tell I was going through transition as my body dilated to 10cm. I had always wanted to get to the hospital during the day because with both of my other labors we got to the hospital at night and had to go through the ER entrance. I always wanted to experience labor with the sunlight, as I am more a morning person. Let me tell ya though - when it comes time, it really doesn't matter! So, we stopped in the unloading zone in the front, he grabbed a wheel chair and we were off. Getting there in the day means everyone at the hospital gets to watch a crazy laboring woman being rushed to labor and delivery. I was in horrible pain, but I remember being worried about my nice camera in the car and asked if it was hidden. We made it to 3rd floor, and went down the really long hallway to labor and delivery. A lady in the waiting room saw me and quickly pressed the button to open the door for us. We got to the receptionist, and she calmly asked for my kaiser card. She asked me a few questions and slowly started typing in the information. She was training someone and they were going really slow. I told Jason to go ahead and move the car and get my bag (I was still thinking about my camera). So he quickly left to move the car while I waited in the wheel chair for them to admit me. I was sitting there in extreme pain watching these ladies take their time, and I finally polity but firmly said, "I feel like I need to push, I need to be checked right now." A nurse heard me and quickly took me into triage. She helped me get undressed, and had me lay down. She took one look and said, "Oh my goodness, the head is right there." My body started pushing, and tons of fluid started flowing out. She ran and opened the door and said, "I need a team in here stat!" They next little while is kind of a blur. They wheeled me into a delivery room, I had to scoot onto the delivery table. Tons and tons of people came running in. There was meconium in the water so like 4 or 5 people from the NICU rushed in. There were 2 or 3 nurses trying to get me all set up, and my doctor as well. They tried getting an IV in me as my body was starting to push. I was dehydrated apparently from being in labor for five days, and they tried twice on my left hand but failed. They tried on my right hand and finally got it in. The doctor was trying to wait to have me push until the IV was in, but my body was just pushing anyways. It was nice that no one was really yelling at me to push. They let me push when I felt like I needed to, and just tried to support me by telling me it would be over soon, and "a few more good pushes and he will be out!!" The pain was excruciating. The pushing pain was very intense, and I really didn't think I could do it. My body was pushing on its own, but the baby was soo big I had to also push real hard to get him to come out. It is hard doing something on purpose that hurts your body so badly. I knew I just had to give one or two good pushes to get him out, but the pain was incredibly intense and it took me a few minutes to get enough courage to just push through the pain and get it done. I am glad they let me move more at my own pace though. I remember saying "It hurts! I can't do this! Is he almost here?" I was praying that he would come out fast because I was really struggling with the pain. I knew it was going to take all my energy and all my determination to just push aside the pain for one mere minute to get him out. I finally gave a good push, and I felt his head emerge. I was hoping they would quickly pull him out, but I knew I had to keep pushing to get his shoulders out. It really was only a minute of good pushing, but at the time it felt like it was never going to end. He quickly came out, and oh, what a relief. I didn't get to see much of him because they had to whisk him over to the side to check him out since there was meconium in the waters. I tore a little, and I was bleeding a lot like with Chase. They had to give me medicine to stop the bleeding, and also had to massage my uterus (from the outside, and the inside) to get it to clamp down to stop the bleeding. I'm not sure which pain was worse - contractions, or having a nurse show her entire hand inside my insides while pressing hard on an organ that just went through war to deliver a baby. It look a little while to stop the bleeding, but eventually all was ok. Everyone in the room was amazed that Blake was so big. They all said "Whoa!!" after he was weighed. They couldn't believe I delivered him so fast without meds - I couldn't either! At the time I thought I was crazy for wanting to do this all natural, but there is nothing that compares to the amazing reality knowing that I delivered him all on my own. I let my body do what it needed to do, and I overcame the pain to bring him into the world. Checking the baby, stitching me up, and stopping the bleeding took a little while. I was shaking uncontrollably from the adrenaline and shock my body just went through, but I was so happy. Everything was over, and my baby was here! Finally, they handed me my sweet baby. He was crying a lot and wouldn't nurse because he had low blood sugar. I want to exclusively nurse, but they had to give him a small amount of formula to get it up again, and he immediately calmed down and let me do skin to skin with him. It seemed like all the chaos in the room suddenly stopped. Almost everyone left, and we were alone for maybe 20 minutes to just enjoy him. The sun was shinning in though the windows, and it was a powerful experience. With Wesley, since he was early I was placed in a small room with no windows while laboring, and I had to deliver in the operating room just in case something went wrong, which also had no windows. There is just something powerful and calming about windows while the sun is shinning in, and I was grateful for them! I was in heaven...nine months of growing a baby all came down to this moment. It was an extremely intense labor, but I wouldn't have changed a thing (except maybe trying to get to the hospital a tad bit earlier, lol). It was a perfect, powerful, and wonderful experience.
After spending a little alone time with our new baby in the delivery room, they brought in a wheel chair and I was wheeled to my recovery room. On the way there is a button in the hall all new mothers get to push which plays a lullaby (lullaby, and Good night) all through the hospital signalling that a new baby has been born. I pushed the button, and as the music played, I held tight to my precious little guy and said a prayer of gratitude. Tears started to form as the music played for me. It signaled to the world that we made it. We both made it through a challenging all natural labor and delivery experience together as a team. My love for him was already exploding. My baby was here; we were healthy; and I was extremely happy (and tired).
We got to our room a little after 10am, and for the most part we were left alone. The staff that day was extremely nice. They bathed Blake, and only returned to our room to check for vitals here and there and to check Blake's blood sugar since it was low after birth. Jason put on some soft classical music, and we both just relaxed with our new baby. Since we live only minutes away, Jason was able to make quick trips home to eat and get things we needed. I didn't want the tv on, I just wanted to enjoy the moment. I didn't have any cares in the world - no other boys to take care of, no worries about making food, and so on. All my attention was on my new baby. I was so happy. I just kept telling Jason over and over, "I can't believe he is finally here. I can't believe I made it through that experience." It is always hard to go from being essentially one body to two. It is like losing a part of me, and yet gaining much more at the same time, if that makes sense. For that whole day, the world just seemed happier. Life seemed brighter and magical. I had just experienced an event that was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I felt like I only got through it due to help that is much greater than myself. I experienced something I can only describe as divine. In that moment, and while holding my baby, I was closer to heaven than ever before (except maybe for when my other babies were born). The amount of joy I had that day is really hard to quantify. Having an experience like that really puts life into a different perspective, and makes me re-prioritize. Seeing this new little person that I grew for over nine months is one of the greatest experiences of my life. The harder one works for something, the greater the reward. I can't explain my feelings of the day, but I felt happiness that I have never felt before, and have never felt since, and it was an absolutely amazing day.
Since my waters were broken for more than 24 hours before labor, they had to do a blood culture on Blake, and we had to wait until the results came back negative before leaving. So, instead of leaving the next morning like planned, we had to wait until the evening. It was ok though. As much as I wanted to go home, I was well taken care of. My hospital had room service, and I was able to call in and order meals from a menu. It was really nice, and the food was pretty good too. The staff took good care of us, and I felt pretty good. We are all home now, and Jason is focusing on the older boys so I can put most of my attention on the baby. The boys LOVE the baby. Wesley keeps talking about how Blake is "his baby" and tells me all the time how much he loves his new brother. It makes me really happy. Chase loves watching him and holding him and is excited too, but can get a little rough. Chase asks me, "Baby not in tummy anymore?"He used to love kissing my big belly, so it is probably hard for a two year old to comprehend how that all works. We are happy and doing well though, and I am trying to enjoy every moment with my sweet newborn before he gets any bigger. There is nothing like having a baby who came right from heaven, and I know this first month is precious, and important to just enjoy because it will be gone so fast.
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| As the nurses were checking him and cleaning him up, he grabbed their stethoscope |
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| First snuggles after being born. The first time a Mommy holds her baby is always a special moment |
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| First family picture, about an hour and half after Blake was born |
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| I couldn't stop staring at him |
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| Our celebratory feast |
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| Coming home outfit |
Since we are in the middle of flu season, our hospital recently (like two weeks ago) started enforcing a no visitors under the age of 12 policy. I was really sad they couldn't come to the hospital, but my mom brought the boys over to our house that night after we got home, and they got to meet baby Blake for the first time at home. It was a sweet moment. Wesley said, "Hi baby Blake, do you know me? I am your older brother Wesley." Wesley had the sweetest smile on his face. He has been waiting so long to finally meet him.
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| Wesley is in love. |
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