Remembering the NICU part 2

The nurses didn't let me go see Wesley until my epidural wore off. It only effected my right side, so my right leg was completely numb. Once again, since everything is kind of a blur, I dont remember exactly when I got to go see him, but I think it was about 5 hours after I gave birth. I remember walking in, very confused at all the sights, sounds, and smells. You have to first push a button on an intercom and tell the head nurse that you are there to visit the NICU. Big doors open, and you walk to the left. Another door is on the right hand side with a little sign that says, "NICU." You then have to push another "door bell." "ding dong." After waiting a while you hear a "click" and the door unlocks. You then walk into a small washing room. I remeber how carefully I washed my hands. We had to scrub our finger nails, and arm all the way up to the elbow. We had to wash for two minutes. I felt like I was going preform a surgery on someone. By the end of the month, my hands were literally bleeding because they were so raw from all the scrubbing. We then had to put a gown on, and then we could enter. Jason showed me where Wesley was located. I remember seeing him hooked up to all the tubes. Yes, it was hard to see, but he was still my baby. I looked him over like any new mom...I looked at his features, his little red hair, his dark blue eyes, his tiny hands. I also saw the needles, the tubes, the wires, and the bruises. It was scary. I tired to be strong. The nurses asked if I understood what was going on. They were surprised I wasn't crying. I think I was more in shock, because the tears defiantly came later.

Seeing your baby in the NICU is hard. Something I can never explain. I protected him for 34 weeks, now he had to fight to survive on his own. There was absolutely nothing I could do to help, except be by his side. I couldn't protect him anymore. It is a very helpless feeling. He had just been intibated (sp?). Basically, they put a breathing tube down his throat and hook him up to a ventilator so he can breath. It is very painful, and unless you are sedated, it feels just like it sounds... Wesley had not yet been sedated, and he was gagging, and wiggling. The tube goes through the vocal cords, so he could not make a sound. He turned bright red, and tried to cry. His mouth opened, and he was making the gesture, but nothing came out. Oh how I wanted nothing more than to help him. All I could do was hold out my finger to allow him to hold it. I couldn't even touch him too much because any stimulation really effects these sick babies, and can make their oxygen levels fall. I placed my finger near his hand, and he grabbed it. It is a moment I will never forget. He was almost telling me, "its ok mommy...I will be ok." I remember thinking, "He shouldn't be in pain, he shouldn't be suffering like this!" Why was my little guy forced to endure this trial?

I went back to my room. People wanted to come visit, but I didn't feel comfortable. I felt like not many people understood how I felt. Most people come as a congratulatory gesture. I felt like if any one came to see me, it was more of a condolence. People would tell me "congratulations!" I know it sounds weird now, but I strongly disliked when people told me that. Congratulations for having my little guy early, and making him suffer? I would hear the other babies crying in the room next to me, and it would make me sad. I couldn't hold my baby. It didn't help that the nurses didn't seem to know what was going on. One nurse told me I could stay an extra day to be close to Wesley. Well...11pm on the 21st came around and I was told that I had been discharged, and that I needed to leave or else we would be charged an extra night. SO, In an hour I had to pack up and quickly leave. It was 11:30 pm. No one was around. I didn't get to pack the baby up in the car seat, and take him home. No nurses talked to me about what to expect. I was leaving as if I just came in for a doctor's appointment or something. Jason and I made another long, walk in the dark of the night to our car. We left our baby behind. I prayed that he was well taken care of.